CDC: Coughing Makes High Better, As Long As You Wear a Mask

ATLANTA — A new report from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that for cannabis users, coughing after inhalation will “absolutely” give you a stronger high, but only so long as consumers wear a mask to satisfy COVID-19 guidelines.

“We have thoroughly and thoughtfully addressed the danger of inhaling and exhaling in tight spaces, especially with other parties nearby,” said NIAID director Dr. Anthony Fauci, “but we also can’t seriously support the idea of not toking during such a tumultuous time — it would be irresponsible to ask citizens to partake less, when the world around them feels like it’s worsening by the day. Just make sure to protect those around you.” 

“I’d also strongly urge listening to Type O Negative’s ‘Bloody Kisses’ while partaking,” Fauci added. “It hits so much harder when you’ve reached the apex.” 

While an “ultimate high” is subjective, does coughing actually enhance the experience? Consider what CDC Vice Chair of Global Health Programs Dr. Kendra Greenbloom said recently about recreational cannabis use. 

“My team has done tons of research on this issue,” said Greenbloom. “We realize the high levels of anxiety many of us are experiencing may very well lead to more drug use, and honestly, who can blame us… er… them. But we’ve also discovered that using a mask not only protects the people around you from COVID-19, but actually makes smoking pot way better, especially if you cough.” 

But how can one inhale if you’re wearing a mask? 

“The key is a well-rehearsed routine: turn at least six feet away from your peers, take the fattest bong rip you possibly can, and pop your mask back on before you cough for the next seven minutes straight,” Greenbloom advised. “We also recommend using your own piece — if you insist on sharing, cleaning thoroughly between uses with a CBD-infused sanitizer. Pop on Pink Floyd’s ‘Piper at the Gates of Dawn’ and you’ll be good to go.”

Top self-described research scientist — or “highentist,” as he prefers to be called — Glenn Flink agreed, for the most part. 

“After participating in numerous experiments with super chill individuals, I’ve found that recreational cannabis use is obviously safest when done in the privacy of your own home,” Flink said. “If you have to do it outside, just make like, a gas mask for yourself so you can rip tubes and cough balls anywhere, or do it in a car. I mean, you don’t need to wear a mask if you’re blazing with the windows rolled up, but wear one anyway. And listen to Radiohead’s ‘Kid A’ while you smoke. It smacks really hard when you’ve reached that perfect high.”

Johnny Sparkles is a Hawaii-born and based journalist, and stand up comedian whose debut album “Homeless Romantic” is available all over the internet. Twitter: @sparklesknows

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