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GREENWICH, Conn. — Bringing spectators with full bowls of popcorn from all corners of the internet, a “Wine Mom” and a “Weed Mom” waged a brutal, all-out war against each other last night within one of the most contested domains in modern history: a Facebook post comment section.

“I don’t even remember what the post was anymore, but as soon as that ‘Weed Mom’ opened her mouth I knew it was on,” said Sarah “Wine Mom” Mulcahy as she toggled her caps-lock back on to post another response just before 2 a.m. “I epically destroyed her with an avalanche of facts on topics ranging from the President, all the way to the Vice President.”

However, despite knowing better with every fiber of her being, noted “Weed Mom” Vanessa Witkowski felt the urgent need to continue engaging until “Wine Mom” submitted to defeat. 

“Whenever a ‘Wine Mom’ starts posting in all caps about the ‘plandemic’ or whatever, I just respond with GIFs of characters from ‘The Office’ rolling their eyes while they scream themselves out in a merlot-fueled rage about children wearing harnesses or whatever,” Witkowski commented, cueing up a few unresearched news articles indicated in the fine print to be op-eds. “If I ever get backed into a corner, I’ll drop one of these links to an article I’ve never actually read. That’s usually the checkmate move!”

When asked for comment about the fight in the comments section, original poster Jesper Terreri responded, “I don’t know how things got to where they are. I literally just posted a picture of the tacos I ate for lunch today!”

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.