CHICAGO — Uber driver Adam Wong let out a tired sigh of what he assured reporters was “pure joy” yesterday after realizing that a return to post-COVID normalcy would also mean a return to being lectured on philosophy facts from stoned college kids coming home from parties. 

“Oh, I just love one-sided dialogues on Erasmus and Lamont by crossed university students,” said Wong. “Nothing brightens up my long day of driving than being trapped in a car with a kid trying to sleep-talk his way through a half-remembered senior thesis on humanism. You know it’s going to be a good night when your passenger says you wouldn’t be an Uber driver if you’d have read Thomas More’s ‘Utopia.’” 

DePaul University student Chandler Hefflen, whom Wong has driven home “from like, 50 parties” and matched with again last night, celebrated his reunion with Wong by misquoting Jean-Paul Sartre.

Jonah Nink writes comedy for The Hard Times, The Chicago Machine, and Jumpkick, and real news for UIC Radio. @mymanjonah