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FRANKFORD, De. — Local cannabis user and environmentalism advocate Ben Luna proudly declared today that under no circumstances would he ever consider littering, except “while being pulled over by the cops, of course.”
Luna, whose steely resolve to live sustainably is rooted in what he referred to as “a duty we all have to honor and protect the Earth,” explained that “Mother Earth is a very understanding lady who will totally let one slide if you’re trying not to catch a charge.”
“When I look out the window of my ‘05 Accord and see the little bit of nature left covered in crumpled McDonald’s bags and empty Dutch Master packages, it makes my stomach turn,” said Luna between mouthfuls of quinoa. “There’s no excuse to be throwing things from your car window… except if that thing happens to be a glass bubbler and you’re about to get stopped by the po-po, in which case, it’s not only justified but also necessary.”
Luna is an active member of a burgeoning online environmentalist movement identified by the “stash-tag” #donttrashthestash, which advocates for the full legalization of marijuana specifically for the sake of reducing littering nationwide.
“Decriminalization isn’t enough,” he declared in a long-winded Facebook post shortly after receiving another marijuana citation. “We are fighting for total and immediate legalization of all cannabis and related products. Smoking has nothing to do with it; our efforts stem from the urge to make the world cleaner and more livable. The unnecessary invasion of police into people’s private lives is increasing our carbon footprint as quickly as it is decreasing my supply of nifty little one-hitters.”
Emerging statistics suggest that this type of activism may be crucial to environmental well-being: according to data from a recent study conducted by zoology students at University of Delaware, the accidental consumption of paraphernalia by wildlife is at an all-time high.
“The numbers are staggering,” said Natalia Pennington, one of the student researchers who is coincidentally also Luna’s weed plug. “In 2019 alone, over 7,500 birds were brought into local SPCAs showing symptoms of being totally ripped after they accidentally consumed roadside cannabis — though it should be noted, about 400 of them were pelicans, which can house an entire hookah in one gulp and whose behavior under the influence of THC is pretty much the same. Regardless, something needs to be done.”
Luna and Pennington were later seen tweeting about the devastating effects of air pollution while hotboxing Luna’s car.
Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.