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Say “hello” to a roving hotbox, and “goodbye” to the DUIs of yore: driverless cars are the latest wave of the future, which is good news for those of us who like to smoke herb and still be mobile (unless you live in New York or some other city with a decent subway system — then you’re just high from point A to point B all the time). 

However, many people report struggling to relax into the experience of a driverless car — and if you’re really high to begin with, your paranoia can go from 0 to 60 real quick. From Tesla to Google, scientists and engineers are working around the clock to help people feel more comfortable with autonomous driving.

That’s why we’ve developed this simple quiz to help you determine: is this driverless car going super slow, or are you super high?

Are you sure you’re in the car?

This is a simple place to start. Look around: are you sitting in the backseat of a driverless car, or are you standing outside a parked car? This will be easily discernible by simply looking at your surroundings. Are you on a soft, fabric colored seat, or are you standing on pavement?

Are you still in front of the McDonald’s you ate at 4 hours ago?

Did you get high and go to McDonald’s earlier in the day? Are you still there mid-afternoon? Also, is this a parking lot? Because generally, a car in a parking space in the parking lot of a McDonald’s is likely not moving, while a baked dude really into optical illusions still holding an empty milkshake cup near the entrance of a McDonald’s might think it is.

Are YOU moving?

Simply look down at your feet — your “human wheels,” if you will — and try to determine: is the car slowly moving forward, or are you slowly moving backwards? The telltale sign will be your feet lifting into the air, shifting behind your body, then returning to the ground. This will indicate you’re actually walking in reverse. Consider stopping what you are doing, as walking backwards in the middle of the road is quite dangerous (especially while high).

Are the tires actually rotating?

OK, you’ve determined you’re in the car. Poke your head out of the window and take a quick gander at the wheels (the ones making contact with the ground, not the one hanging off the back of the car). Are they spinning? If so, it’s probably moving. If not, well, there’s your answer… you’re probably just high.

Are you sure YOU’RE not driving?

If it turns out you’re the one driving, pull over immediately. Please.

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.