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Hold it right there, Buster! I see you’re traveling with some highly illegal contraband in your vehicle here. Oh, marijuana? No, sir, ain’t nothing illegal about that — I’m talking about the box of fireworks in your front seat. Go ahead and step out of the car, son. I’ve caught you red-handed. 

You’re out driving through the great State of Massachusetts thinking your bases are covered; meanwhile, you’ve got enough amateur pyrotechnics to possibly warrant a felony! You’ve got so many ground spinners and bottle rockets, I’m surprised your undercarriage isn’t dragging. If I were you, I’d maybe cool off with a nice joint, because you’re going to jail today, buddy.

Now before I search your vehicle, why don’t you just tell me if there’s anything else in the car I should know about? You’d be saving yourself a lot of trouble by letting me avoid the hassle of finding it myself. Besides, we both know you’ve got wild cherry comets out the wazoo and likely half a dozen chrysanthemum mortars hidden under that enormous bag of weed, so let’s just cut to the chase.

Pop open the trunk for me, Desperado. I want to see what kind of weight you’re smuggling in the back. You know something? With a trunk this spacious, you could probably transport at least a hundred or so pounds of potent reefer, no problem. But, hey — you wanted to be a criminal, so here we are. Is that a reloadable palm tree aerial flare? Oh, you’re going down for sure.

You know, this used to be a quiet and safe area not too long ago. Sure, you’d have the occasional mixup every now and again, but these days? Man, it’s really gone down the tubes with the likes of you. A family man like me can’t even do gravity bong hits on the porch with his loving family without the threat of some firecracker-smuggling son-of-a-bitch giving us all reason to worry for our safety. This isn’t the America I grew up in, let me tell you.

You’d better cancel any other illegal plans you had today, because you’re getting busted for everything, right down to the last sparkler. If you don’t want your car or your marijuana towed, I suggest you call a buddy and have them picked up. 

You have the right to possess and grow marijuana to your heart’s content, and to remain silent.

Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.