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Every December I hear about people making resolutions to smoke less: whether in quantity, or frequency, or sometimes just quit altogether. I’m sure there’s plenty of reasons for this: some people are affected negatively by cannabis. But not me. In fact, so far, I’ve only been affected exclusively positively: I’ve learned more about myself through introspection, I’m finally calm around my stressors, and now I can finish a puzzle like nobody’s business.
That’s why my resolution is to smoke MORE next year.
Think about it: it’s harmless, it’s not hurting my job performance or social interactions, I enjoy it, and I’m really really good at it. So why not do it more?
Currently I’m at once or twice a day, and sometimes a third session on Saturdays. But next year? I’m looking to increase that to as high as five times a day [get it, as “high” as? You know what, scratch that. I’m smoking better weed and making better jokes]. And I’m upgrading to better quality weed as well: no more of this trashy beaster garbage littered with stems and dirt or whatever. From here on out, it’s only Dro or better.
And you know what? I wanna GET better too! Self improvement is the way, and there’s always room to get stronger with a hobby. I wonder if there’s a class I can take to get better at smoking.
Maybe I’ll start that class if there isn’t; I’m sure I’m not the only one looking to better my weed intake. I could open a whole school for people to improve their weed-smoking practices: “Tutoring in High Cultivation, a.k.a. THC Technical College.” I can see the slogan now: “Learn better techniques for packing bowls, rolling blunts, and picking out weed.”
Now that I think about it, there’s actually so many intricacies of the cannabis life to be built upon. Though… I wonder if I’ll overdo it and stop enjoying it. You ever get that, where you have too much of a good thing and no longer like it? Like, one summer I had Taco Bell every night for dinner and eventually just couldn’t stand it anymore. Hopefully that doesn’t happen here.
OK, so the resolution is to smoke more, but not too much. Maybe I’ll set a limit… unless I’m ordering food, or watching a sweet movie, or have to visit family or something. Then we can allow extra smoke sessions. Is there a way to just always be low-grade high? Like a patch or a gum or something?
You know, studies show it’s actually quite common for people to make resolutions around things they enjoy or are good at. My dealer studied sociology at Nassau Community College, so like, scientists have basically recommended this practice.
In any event, 2022 is the Year of the Weed. Whether in success or in failure, I may just lumber slowly and red-eyed into the future looking for Cinnabons and falling asleep at 7:30. Wish me luck!
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.