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HILLIARD, Ohio — High school teacher Ross Evans is allegedly also a high school teacher, according to students who couldn’t help but notice their teacher’s red eyes and constant giggling last week.
“Dude, Mr. Evans is totally baked like, all the time,” said junior Ian Davis, whom is a member of Evans’ health class. “The dude said ‘penis’ and went into a giggle fit for 5 minutes, and after he finally calmed down, he had to leave the room all over again at the mention of the word ‘labia.’ So we sat there for a few minutes, and when he came back he was wearing sunglasses and smelled strongly of Febreze.”
“He was also weirdly paranoid about the principal coming by,” added senior Jaime Binger. “He’s not exactly subtle.”
When reached, Evans seemed miffed at the suggestion that he was high in class. “Oh, come on, man. What, are you guys cops?” he asked. “No, seriously… you’re not a cop, are you?”
“Look, the union fought hard to eliminate the marijuana drug testing requirement for teachers so you can’t prove anything,” he added, staring slightly above the eyeline. “I am an excellent music teacher, and that’s all that matters. Wait… shit. No, I teach health.”
Meanwhile, Hilliard High School’s principal Dale Steuben seemed to be completely oblivious to Evans’ escapades. “All of the kids love Mr. Evans,” said Steuben. “Every year, we get the feedback that they learn more about drugs and their effects from Mr. Evans than our old D.A.R.E. program. I’m not surprised, though — the way he’s always smiling tells me he derives great joy from this job. It’s nice seeing someone in the career they were born to be in.”
Evans was later seen cleaning out the school vending machine in between classes for every package of Funyuns inside.
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stebbenwolfe/
