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MEDINA, Ohio — Cannabis user and avid streamer Mark Ballard is taking the concept of “binge-watching Netflix” to its literal extreme, watching the Netflix menu for the last several hours consecutively and counting.
“I wasn’t sure at first, but it really drew me in… and now I’m all caught up in the hype of it all,” Ballard said while adding another 300 hours worth of content to his cue, which already contained more than any human could ever consume in a single lifetime. “I got real high before I sat down to watch, and couldn’t decide what I actually wanted to watch, and because this is what I got focused on I got totally sucked in. But this menu is incredible — it gets especially suspenseful when you try to add something that’s already in the cue.”
“Whew,” he added, flipping over to the scrolling Roku universe while lighting a joint. “I need to rest a minute after all that and watch something lighter.”
Ballard’s roommate Natasha Barfield admitted Ballard isn’t alone, creating a whole separate queue so they could each create their own list of thousands of hours of content they’ll never actually watch. “Look, I watch the same thing whether I’m high or not. That Netflix menu is just way too engrossing — there are too many possibilities,” Barfield said. “And Netflix does it right: I tried bingeing the Hulu menu once, but it’s pretty lackluster. They really need to up the plot twists and character development of their home screen.”
Netflix Head of Production Margaret Bennington acknowledged the streaming giant is aware of the phenomenon and is planning to release new content accordingly.
“With the increasing popularity of streaming our menu of endless choices, we now have that ‘are you still watching?’ message programmed to show up after 40 minutes of scrolling,” Bennington explained while adding another eight full series of deleted scenes from Adam Sandler movies to the Netflix lineup. “Though obviously we can’t compete with the Roku City screensaver; that’s the crowd favorite. We’re looking to license that into our selection of content pretty soon — people love that robot!”
While Netflix’s R&D had also been exploring an adult version of DogTV, the project was abandoned last week as they realized that DogTV already is an adult version of DogTV.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.