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NAPERVILLE, Ill. — Worrisome cannabis smoker and recent “smart pipe” purchaser Mark Patterson has been struggling to recall the code to unlock his password-protected bong for hours, an allegedly common occurrence for him.

“Most of my logins use ‘Karnath86$$$’ as the password, because Karnath is the snake from ‘Battletoads,’ and 86 because my ATM PIN is 1986 — I was born in 1986,” said Patterson. “Then you always need a ‘symbol’ of some sort, so I drop some dollar signs in there ‘cuz I’m pretty baller.”

“I know for sure it’s something similar but not exact, so I tried ‘Karnath1986$$$,’ ‘Karnath86$,’ and ‘KarnathsSnake1986$$$$$,’” he added while refreshing his email for a “change password” link. “But then I was locked out because I went over some limit of attempts.”

For Patterson, living in the digital age is fraught with risks from hackers, which is why he bought a password-protected “smart bong” to begin with.

“I have to stay secure. If a pack of weed-thieves break in to smoke all my cannabis, then this is my last line of defense,” he said, hiding the bong in its usual secret location between the sofa and the coffee table, camouflaged by a nearby decoy vase on which he hand-wrote “RooR.” “You know about the Crips and Bloods? Well, there’s a third gang that infiltrates studio apartments to use bongs, and they smoke all sorts of other stuff in there and leave all the residue, which means you might end up smoking angel dust or Ajax or something if you’re not careful. Or worse yet, the weed-police break in, spark the bowl for evidence, and try to frame you for possession of marijuana. I mean, technically, I am already possessing it, but it’s the photographic evidence they take that’s the killer — like when someone busts open the bathroom door while you’re pooping to photobomb you.”

In order to reset his password, Patterson was forced to answer security questions in the bong’s smart-phone app.

“They want my mom’s maiden name, my first pet’s name, and the first concert I ever went to,” he noted. “But I’m pretty sure I just wrote ‘weed’ for all three.” 

Upon resetting the password, Patterson wrote his new cipher on a Post-It and stuck it to the side of the bong. Sadly though, after unlocking his bong and taking a rip, he forgot what the Post-It was for and tore it off, crumpled it up, and threw it out.

Patterson later reached out to ask everyone reading to “please not tell anyone else that ‘Karnath86$$$’ is my password for everything.”

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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