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KATONAH, N.Y. — A close knit crew that considers each other to be “best friends” sat in complete, awkward silence for 9 minutes and 42 seconds last night while the group’s new Infinite-X Big Rip® all-digital “Smart Bong” updated its operating system.
“We were still running iOS-X 4.2.6 ‘High Sierra,’ so it was time to update to 6.1.1, ‘El Canniban.’ I’d waited so long, we skipped right over version 5, ‘Growsemite,’” said bong owner and host Jason Manford. “Even with my dad’s high speed internet, the update took like, a million years. But there’s no status bar, so we had no way of knowing if it was almost done… long story short, we just kinda sat there.”
“I think we were all nervous to start a conversation and then get interrupted… while simultaneously, we didn’t know what to say anyway,” agreed longtime friend and smoke partner Cammy Radlit. “Oh, on top of that we were all a smidgen baked already, so all in all it was weird.”
The Smart Bong, which features an automatic lighting mechanism, water infuser and ionizer, a self-cleaning mouthpiece, and a “cashout” siren alerting users “when there is only one solid hit remaining in the bowl,” will not function without a semi-regular systems update, leaving users to entertain themselves while waiting. Company spokesperson Carla Moeberick admitted that the manufacturer suspected situations like this may arise and they are already implementing a fix.
“We’re trying our best to have the Smart Bong do something: play music, light up, throw out conversation prompts, anything,” Moeberick said. “We tried an automatic Trivial Pursuit mechanism to play during updates, but nobody could ever answer any questions once the bong had been used.”
“I wish I was surprised that users are having this issue,” Moeberick added. “Every time the team tries to brainstorm ideas we end up sitting in silence, staring at each other or our hands while trying to think of something.”
Though the Smart Bong has yet to fix the awkward silences, the latest update includes one unanimously applauded feature: automatic ordering of more cannabis for delivery when the bong’s internal stash is running low.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
