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GALVESTON, Texas — Amateur chef and current extremely baked individual Eric Schuster admitted earlier today that he severely laments not making half of his special “Galvestoned Off Your Ass” hash brownies as just plain chocolate brownies, according to the incredibly hungry and high man.
“Dude… I am so fucking high right now,” said a red-eyed Schuster. “I, uhhh… I made like, 2 whole trays of my patented hash brownies, and the guy at the patent office was all like, ‘You can’t patent a marijuana recipe,’ and I was like… wait, no, that’s not what we’re talking about. Sorry, I’m way off topic.”
“Oh, yeah!” Schuster added. “So, like, I’m like plenty high enough, and all I want is some regular chocolate brownies, but if I eat the hash brownies I’ll just be even hungrier.”
“Shit, now I know how Milo felt when he went to Digitopolis in ‘The Phantom Tollbooth.’ You know, man? Like, when he ate the subtraction soup, and got even hungrier?” Schuster asked moments later, his stomach gurgling. “You read that book in elementary school, right? With the dog that’s like, a walking clock and shit? The dog is a clock, man!”
“Wait, was he the Phantom Tollbooth all along?” Schuster continued after many minutes of silence and staring at a box of uncooked pasta. “Dude, you should totally read it.”
Exasperated by Eric’s ramblings about “The Phantom Tollbooth,” this reporter mercifully Gopuff’d some regular brownies to Schuster’s house so he could leave.
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stebbenwolfe/
