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Wichita, Kansas — Local driver Thomas Christy said that despite hyperinflation, COVID exhaustion, and the rising threat of global conflict, he still found time for a good chuckle at the sight of gas prices hitting $4.20 in the American Heartland.
“At first I was watching the prices climb like, ‘What the fuck?’ and ‘How am I going to maintain my fleet of souped-up Hello Kitty go-karts, now?” he said.
“But then gas prices hit four dollars and twenty cents and my brain went like — ‘Hey, that’s kinda funny,’ you know? And then I seen this crowd just crowding up at the base of the sign, and I’m thinking it’s like some kind of promotion event, but then I get a bit closer and I’m like, ‘Wait — is that a selfie stick?'”
It was, indeed, a selfie-stick-plus-roach-clip combo, verified by the City of Wichita Fire Department who was called to the scene after a fuel line caught fire.
Firefighter Lieutenant Belinda Grantsville — who was among the initial first responders on the scene — described the chaotic situation:
“Looks like somebody snapped a selfie in front of the sign there but then dropped their lit but fully unsmoked doob, which rolled into a puddle of gasoline and set the initial spark. It didn’t help that everyone else dropped their joints when they scrambled to safety, and the resulting bushfire really got these fireworks going,” she said, rubbing her chin thoughtfully before ducking under a fiery piece of debris from a nearby explosion.
“Social media is really driving this country straight to Hell,” she said.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.