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ALEXANDRIA, La. — A suspected agent of the Drug Enforcement Administration has allegedly been spying on a Japanese maple tree for more than 30 days, apparently believing it to be an illegal marijuana or hemp plant. 

Daniel and Veronica Fischer, the owners of the tree, became suspicious when a black, windowless van in front of their home didn’t seem to move for three days. 

“I should’ve noticed on the first day that the decal on the van’s side read ‘NOT a bad iDEA Home Security Services,’” said Veronica while peering through her blinds. “I saw the guy in the front seat the other day, and it’s the same man who was taking pictures of our lawn a few weeks ago.”

“He’s been here over a month now,” agreed Daniel. “This has to be his first case, because he doesn’t seem very well educated, botanically speaking. We may plant a few poppies this weekend just to fuck with him.”

The Fischers are not alone, as neighbors have also noticed the intrusion on their normally tranquil lives.

“At first I thought he might be here for me because I’ve been selling my expired Cialis to the guys down at the VFW hall,” said next-door neighbor Evan Rowes. “But once Veronica explained what was happening I thought it’d be a hoot if I tore down my 200 year old sycamore and put a couple Japanese maple saplings in its place. This dumbass Fed has been losing his shit in there, I can hear it!”

While few sightings of the van’s occupant have been confirmed, a voice emanating from the van has been reported whenever there is activity near the maple. 

“Oh yeah, almost harvesting time, baby. Cut one bud off that thing and I’ve fucking got you!” the voice allegedly said amidst clattering sounds and old-timey radar noises. “Hide the green with that purple-red crossbreed? Good luck with that. Uncle Sam isn’t fooled — we know all about your purple hairs, your purple haze, your Purple Urkel. You can’t hide from justice, you hiding-in-plain-sight cartel motherfuckers!”

The last reported sighting of the agent was Tuesday night, when he reportedly crept from his van to host his weekly Aryan Nation potluck. 

Kyle Stanley prefers Japanese Norwegian Wood to English. @KGordonStanley on Twitter. 

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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