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BOISE, Idaho — Jeremy Robinson was always careful about avoiding bacteria, even before Covid-19, often declining to share his vape or his joints with even his closest friends. 

But now that things may be nearing normalcy, he’s wondering how to handle the renewed expectation to let other germ-riddled human beings put their unwashed hands and mouths on the same array of surfaces as his.

“In my younger days, I was pretty careless — I once almost shared a joint at a show with some rando who came up to try to bum a smoke from me, and who knows where his hands had been,” Robinson said. “But I’m proud to say I’ve kept my world relatively sanitary, and I intend to keep it that way.”

But those who know Robinson well don’t believe his obsession over cleanliness is simply about staying healthy. 

“I don’t wanna be mean, but Jerm’s been kind of a bitch lately,” said longtime friend Ernie Blessingame. “He invited me over to watch ‘The Mandalorian’ last week, and when it was time to smoke out, he made me buy $3 of weed from him and I ended up smoking out of an Arizona iced tea can because I didn’t bring my own pipe and herb. I bet pretty soon he won’t even let me smoke there… or he’ll make me bring my own nachos.” 

“Being safe is one thing,” agreed mutual friend Liz Harklee, “but when we smoke it’s supposed to bring us all together, which is real hard when someone’s being super anal. Sure, sanitizing the pipe after each toke isn’t a bad idea, but I’m not about to pack single-hit bowls and boil the glass and scrub it down with isopropyl alcohol after every single hit in the rotation. It’s gonna take 3 days to do a single session if we keep that up. What a bumfest.”

For his part, Robinson understands the frustration, but insists this is for everyone’s protection.

“In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have to be vigilant about cleanliness,” concluded Robinson. “But these are strange times. Plus, those two want to have unprotected orgies with everyone they see, and I’m not about to go to fucktown with 40 other people all at the same time just because I’m vaccinated. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”

Johnny Sparkles is a Hawaii-born and based journalist, and stand up comedian whose debut album “Homeless Romantic” is available all over the internet. Twitter: @sparklesknows

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

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