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MILWAUKEE — Local cat Mittens enjoyed his first pleasant morning nap in months today after his newly vaccinated owner Sheila Petronki left to go smoke somewhere that wasn’t her apartment for the first time in over a year.
“Having her at home all the time got real redundant, real quick. There’s only so many staring contests I can have with a high human who plays with the laser pointer more than I do,” said Mittens, fresh off his first night of sleep in a non-hotboxed bedroom since March 2020. “I think she forgets that I’m here. When she started getting high and watching ‘Top Chef’ reruns every night, I protested by sprinting across the kitchen at 3 a.m., but she wouldn’t budge. But now that she’s vaccinated and free to smoke where she wants, I can finally scratch up the couch and chew on loose paper in peace. Honestly, I don’t even get the appeal of weed. It tastes terrible whenever I eat it.”
Sadly, not all cats are pleased with this change, as Sheila’s friend Margo’s cat Mr. Noodles reported that there were now two people smoking in his apartment every night.
Jonah Nink writes comedy for The Hard Times, The Chicago Machine, and Jumpkick, and real news for UIC Radio. @mymanjonah
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.