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NEW YORK — Cannabis investor Peter York always makes sure to buy shares in cannabis ventures when the price is low and sells whenever he gets high, according to multiple sources.
“Being a good stock trader means that you make sure to buy when the price is low and to sell when you’re going to make a profit,” said York, wearing a fine hemp suit. “I constantly buy low-priced stocks in cannabis ventures and then sell them shortly after getting high. If I’m being honest though, this whole stock market business makes me uncomfortable. I normally take the edge off by smoking and well I get paranoid that I’m going to lose all of my money so I sell at any price. Sometimes it’s OK, but so far I’m down $10,000. Money that I could’ve bought and sold weed with!”
Industry regulars feel Peter might simply be over his head when it comes to engaging in stock trading.
“It’s absolutely ridiculous that he engages in stock trading while high on pot,” said stockbroker Alan Rodgers. “What he should be doing is getting high on cocaine! The whole stock market is about taking reckless actions that either lead to massive wealth creation, or that tank the entire pension system of the state of New York,” said Rodgers wiping blood from off his nose.
“You don’t make those kinds of rash decisions while you’re high on weed though. You either fall asleep and don’t make a trade that you should have, or you get too paranoid and chickenshit to take massive risks. If you’re not risking massive heart attacks with either the trade you’re making or the drugs you’re doing, then get out of the stock market.”
SEC Chair Gary Gensler promised to look into these accusations of traders trading while high after fixing the other 1000 problems with the stock market.
“I think we can agree that maybe it would be better if stock traders were sober while trading,” said Gensler. “After all, humans tend to make rational, sound decisions and would never engage in the sort of trading that creates the disruptions we see in today’s stock market…. Fuck. Oh who am I kidding, the whole thing is a random jumbled mess filled with predators that look to enhance their own lives at the cost of others. Sober, high, dead, it doesn’t matter how the trades are made. I’m going to go read some Marx.”
When we caught back up with York he did have one more complaint to offer about the current state of the stock market.
“Everything is electronic now so you don’t get those papers anymore showing proof of stock ownership. It’s a shame, if a stock tanked I could’ve at least used them for rolling papers.”
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stebbenwolfe/
