BOULDER, Colo. — Local overworked human and GreenCollar budtender Luce Aaronson reportedly just can’t wait to “get home, kick off my SB Dunks, put on my comfy pants, and refer to what I’m smoking as ‘weed.’”

“It’s a tougher job than many people would think: I’m on my feet all day, crouching down to reach under the counter for all sorts of stupid ways to get high, and I have to stay in touch with an ever-changing universe of cannabis products with catchy little names, so I’m always looking forward to getting home and putting some good, old fashioned weed in my bowl with no pretensions,” explained Aaronson between sips of their fourth energy drink of the day. “People are asking me for ‘Matcha Moonrocks,’ ‘White Murderer,’ ‘Cat Piss Sundae…’ and those are just strains of flower. Don’t even get me started on all the other products, like ‘Dutch Domebomb spice rubs’ or ‘Herb Nerdlinger study aids.’ We sell a hash oil called ‘Anime George Washington.’ What the fuck is that shit?”

An exasperated Aaronson later came home to their roommate asking if they had any “Slapstick Ben Franklin” left over, according to neighbors.

Noah Leavy waits until the last minute to write these articles from Washington, D.C. Find him on Instagram @oldman_jorg