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FALLS CHURCH, Va. — “Oh shit, did you already take the trash out?” reportedly asked local cannabis consumer Kira Wattley of her roommates last Thursday, realizing all too late that one of her worst fears was coming true: that the remaining best weed she’d ever had was now lost forever in the folds at the bottom of a pre-sealed bag in the trash.

“I picked up some real nice weed while I was in D.C. last Wednesday night — the type that comes in those vacuum-sealed little bags that don’t smell at all. And this weed was amazing: it made me feel like a 16-year-old hotboxing my parents’ car again,” explained Wattley, staring forlornly at a mug of hot chocolate. “But I forgot that those bags, they also have those little folds at the bottom — I think it’s so they can lay a bit flatter — and a bunch of that weed always gets stuck in there. I got the big stuff out, and tossed the bags in the trash without thinking… and then my roommate took out the garbage while I was passed out.”

“I’ve thought about that weed every day since,” Wattley admitted. “When I was high on it, Tool’s music was almost enjoyable, so you know it’s top notch shit. Who knows what I could’ve done next? I could’ve been a totally different person, instead of the person I became after smoking the next batch I bought… which was also very good, now that I think about it. But still, who knows? These are the questions that keep me up at night.”

Wattley has vowed to cut every single bag she finds containing cannabis seam-to-seam using scissors to ensure the same mistake won’t happen again.

David Thunderstorm brings you the unfiltered truth from Washington, D.C.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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