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SAN JOSE, Calif. — Facing mounting pressure from users working from home and “clouded as fuck,” Zoom unveiled today a new filter that obscures any evidence in the human eye that someone on a call is currently baked. 

“It’s about goddamn time. I have a right to take a whole blunt to the face before a Zoom call and decide if I want people to know,” said Alan Schnitzer, a graphic designer working from home during the pandemic. “Sometimes it’s a call with your boys, and other times you need to play pretend for work. Either way, it’s 2021. This is long overdue.”

“We plan to lead the teleconferencing community in filters that help our customers look less high,” Zoom CEO Eric Yuan said in the formal announcement. “This anti-red eye feature is only the beginning. We’re beta-testing a way to make a bowl that a user accidentally leaves in the background to look like paperwork.” 

Yuan admitted that there’ll be limitations, however. “If the room is still smokey, that’s on you,” he added. “We’re not wizards.”

Michael Tannenbaum is a writer and actor. You can find him on Twitter: @iamTannenbaum

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

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