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NEW HAVEN, Conn. — On the brink of full legalization of cannabis in her state, Connecticut resident and LinkedIn user Natasha Adams admitted today that she is most excited about what legalization could do for her professional network. 

Browsing her numerous friends on other social networks, Adams has already identified many individuals who could both help expand her professional opportunities and potentially get her a “sweet hookup” on discounted cannabis, sending them invites to connect with the automated message, “Yo, you cool? I’d like to connect with you on LinkedIn.”

“So many people and businesses use LinkedIn these days to connect and grow their network, and now my career can grow from what my friends grow,” said Adams, updating her profile resume to include her position as an “associate” at a head shop in 2014 and again in 2017. “All of these people in my life who sucked before are probably cool as shit now if they’re getting into cannabis, and they’ll totally hook me up I’m sure. And honestly, it’ll be nice to link to someone besides my old college professors and my childhood next-door neighbors to expand my network.” 

“It’ll also be great to finally use some of these people better, too,” she added. “Like, look at Jimmy Anderson — sure, he was a pretty big douche in college, but one time I designed a T-shirt for him that had Spiderman marrying a marijuana leaf, so he can be a reference for me when I apply for my next design role.”

Experts agree with Adams’ rosy projection. LinkedIn, the go-to hub for building professional contacts, is seeing a large spike in members openly flaunting their experience with cannabis, legal and illegal. “For someone like Adams, who had so few mainstream opportunities to begin with,” said digital sociologist Dr. Benton Ritfield, “being able to publicly acknowledge her ability to get people to upgrade from a simple one-hitter to a Fred Durst-certified Limp Bizkit water bong could open all sorts of doors for her.” 

“Today’s job market is all about finding the right skillset and a work-life balance,” agreed LinkedIn Director of Engagement Latisha Renault. “And full legalization of a product that has wrongly put so many behind bars will allow so many of our members to include countless more skills on their LinkedIn profiles — from ‘fine motor skills’ to ‘a relaxed approach to deep, critical thinking skills,’ the things one learns in their years as a recreational cannabis smoker can only help one’s career when phrased right.” 

Still, Adams admitted she has a little extra motivation in her job search.

“I want to rub it in my old boss’s face in it a little: they told me weed was pointless and wouldn’t help me at all. But look at my LinkedIn Network now, Lance,” Adams said glowingly. “Plus, now I can stop pretending like I like all the memes Lance puts up on LinkedIn about office printers and shit, and start posting some real dank-ass memes instead.” 

Joe Rapp is an improviser, graphic designer and unknown local celebrity in Minneapolis, MN. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter @fakejoerapp

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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