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NAPERVILLE, Ill. — After starting a new job, local technophile Hiram Duncan was saddened to find out he was forced to use Microsoft Edge on his new work computer, but quickly realized the user experience is dramatically enhanced by a few bong rips.
“Out of all the things Microsoft does, nobody knows why they’d create yet another browser. I’d have ignored it forever if I had any choice. But I gotta say, everything in Edge runs a lot smoother after a couple of fat bingers,” he said as his eyes and tone softened. “It’s now a Chromium-based browser, and really seems to run a little faster. And it opens most websites that have pictures and videos, which is really nice in this state of mind.”
His excuses for the much-hated browser took an almost loving turn as he took two extra hits and blew smoke circles.
“This browser and me. We’ve both been through some shit, but here we are: coming out the other side, mostly better, but still flawed. You know what I mean?” he asked. “Sometimes people hate you, but they just don’t understand you. I get it, Edge.”
“And look at the logo now,” he added. “So swoopy and green and blue. How could it not be better?”
Duncan then philosophized for 10 minutes about the intricacies of the internet, while the browser froze and crashed multiple times. “These pop up errors are like music of the Microsoft gods,” he said, “singing the praises of Microsoft Edge and all its disciples.”
Unsurprisingly, Duncan was unable to complete any work at all until he found a workaround with a Firefox plug-in after another couple of bong rips.
Joe Rapp is an improviser, graphic designer and unknown local celebrity in Minneapolis, MN. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter @fakejoerapp
