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AUSTIN, TEXAS — A new, one-of-a-kind start-up offering is taking the cannabis world by storm this week: a dedicated TTS messaging service that can reply for you when you are too far under the influence of cannabis to type out a message yourself. 

The GanjiTalk app utilizes some of the deepest data collection legally allowed to understand your texting habits on an array of levels, including your standard syntax, tone, and average time to reply. The first of its kind, GanjiTalk even uses analytics to connect certain user word usages with their perceived mood or time of day. 

“We live in a world where our phones and technology move and change just as fast as our daily reality. But what are we to do when we want to slow down reality a bit? With GanjiTalk, you can maintain your conversations — personal relationships, business endeavors, and even social media posts — without having to worry about it after you’ve burned too far down the joint,” said company marketing manager Chet Linden.

“I’d just got home from work and finished a fat blunt when my boss texted asking me about details for our presentation tomorrow,” noted app user Susan Tagburn. “I almost sent her a string of 12 food, clock, school, and hospital emojis followed by a twerk GIF, but GanjiTalk interpreted it as, ‘We meet the hospital association for the lunch-and-learn at noon.’ Spot on.”

Interestingly, while GanjiTalk originally projected that their target audience would be Millennial professionals and Gen Z students, initial reporting shows that the app is utilized far more by Gen X and Baby Boomers. 

“It turns out that Millennials and Gen Z folks have already got texting while stoned ‘on lock,’ as they would say,” explained data analytics expert Jane Gordon. “We found out very quickly that the app works best for those who have trouble multitasking while high; i.e., people aged 40 and older who have both spent less time with phones and are new to cannabis, what with so many newly operating legal markets.” 

One user reported that he successfully helped a college freshman through her first academic crisis solely through the app, after she texted her professor in a frenzy shortly after he had smoked a massive blunt alone in the backyard with his dog. “She was none the wiser. GanjiTalk took my 35 minute diatribe on the ecology of the Amazon and distilled it into a simple response of, ‘No, the rainforests are actually really important,’” the professor admitted while requesting anonymity to avoid professional repercussions of teaching while extremely high. “She’s now on track to make the honor roll.”

GanjiTalk has yet to face any civil lawsuits from users, but legal experts warn that the wrong combo of emojis or leaving someone on “read” for too long could bring emotional distress lawsuits from people who are too in their heads. 

Jay Shingle is a comedy performer and musician from the Pacific Northwest, and he is the creator of @ordinarypeoplememes on Instagram.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

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