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Like many people, I enjoy listening to music while toking up. But also like many people, sometimes I forget to get out my phone and put something on, and don’t realize until I’m 7/8ths of the way done with my joint.
Thanks to the new WeedTech RoachTune, an mp3 roach clip embedded with speakers, bluetooth capabilities and pre-selected music, this everyday and very normal problem is solved forever.
One amazing part of its design is how it recharges itself. Specially designed wind turbines attached to the clip recharge your MP3 player every time you take a drag. Now, it does require 3000 drags to get to a full charge, and there is no alternative charging option, but if anything, that’s just an awesome excuse to smoke even more weed.
I have heard some other reviewers complain and say that this is simply a weirdly jury-rigged 2005-style iPod with a regular roach clip glued onto it. The people paying me to review this product would prefer I ignore that criticism. I will note, though, that this eliminated the ability to use the roach clip for other purposes. For example, I tried using it for nipple play, but its weight permanently stretched my nipple outwards by about an inch. Additionally, I found that an MP3 player isn’t best used to keep my chip bags closed. Thankfully, though, I have joints to finish way more often than leftover chips anyway.
One big negative of this product is that I was simply using it to listen to music once while walking down the street, and I got busted for having paraphernalia. The crazy thing is that weed is legal in my state, so I don’t even know which illegal drug they think I might have been using. Angel dust spliffs are so 2006.
Despite that hiccup, the RoachTune has become an indispensable tool for getting the most out of my pre-rolls. It’s an absolute must for anyone who smokes joints and likes to have speakers near their mouths.
Highs: It’ll impress your easily amused yuppie friends. Your roach clip is physically easier to find now that it is larger. You’ve definitely purchased stupider things than this.
Lows: $420 selling price is ridiculous but you’re a sucker for bad jokes and will buy it anyway. You have to smoke uncomfortably near the speaker if you decide to use it to play music at a party. Too heavy now to double as a nipple clamp.
Also, I guess I should mention now that the MP3 player is also only capable of playing music by Phish. Regardless, customer complaints have been non-existent.
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stebbenwolfe/
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.