Are you of legal age to consume cannabis related news?


DENVER — The big-box retailer Costco opened its first cannabis dispensary as a part of its offerings for members last month, selling THC and CBD-infused products in the inconceivably enormous quantities the chain is known for.

“This behemoth of a bucket of Kirkland-brand sativa weighs 200 lbs., and it’s the smallest quantity I can buy here,” began Costco frequenter Jason P., who refused to give his last name or location for fear of legal repercussions, while carting the tub of weed into the checkout line. “I’m stocking up because where I live it’s still illegal, so this is my year’s supply. Next time I might just buy the full ton — sure, it’s 2,000 lbs., but it’s a really great deal for that much weight.”

“Honestly, I think the best part is that they still give out samples, just like Costco does for any of its consumable goods,” noted Jessica Parks, a mother of three buying a 96 oz. bottle of hash oil and two king-size tubs of indica gummies. “Where are those chicken nugget samples they always have out? I could really use a few of those, too.”

While Costco contends that member demand necessitated the new offerings, many experts believe their sizing may be excessive. “Buying cannabis by the ton doesn’t make sense — it’s physically impossible for one person to smoke even a fraction of that,” commented consumer researcher Michelle Grey. “Unless the purchaser plans to smoke up an entire country for the next few years, no one could ever get through that much without going into a 7,000 year coma.”

Costco CEO W. Craig Jelinek defended the rollout, noting that cannabis is only available at Costco Business Centers and is not sold by the amount one person would or could smoke, but rather in quantities to supply and aid the dispensary industry.

“I’ve never smoked, so I have no idea what a normal amount is. But at Costco, we do everything bigger, and we’ve had nothing but rave reviews from customers,” Jelinek said. “To be honest, the Costco dream is a dispensary that sells such a massive quantity of cannabis that smokers will dive into it like they’re Scrooge McWeed… though, legally I am required to inform customers there’ll be at least a few health repercussions if they ingest that much.” 

Sadly, one Costco dispensary outside of Bend, Ore. came to a tragic demise over the weekend following a fire at the facility, causing everyone in a 500-mile radius to get so baked they fell asleep for a month. 

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.