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NEW YORK — As cannabis legalization in New York leads to a large influx of companies pushing their products into a new market, one Multi-State Operator (MSO) hopes through the power of marketing that they can convince yuppies that seeds and stems are the best parts of the plant to smoke.
“During a routine shareholders meeting last month, we realized that seeds and stems make up about 50% of the plants we grow,” said Sarah Jones-Rakafir, a representative from the WeedCorp MSO. “We knew there had to be a way to profit off that. Of course, most people know that shit is weak and shouldn’t be smoked, but we figured we could give this the whole ‘beets’ treatment.”
“It’s like, a few years ago, no one was eating beets because they’re icky and they make your poop red,” she explained. “But then the right marketers got involved, and suddenly, we convinced all these downtown yuppies to start eating them like they’re foie gras or something. You’d be surprised how effective asking ‘got stems?’ could be as a marketing technique.”
Farmers for WeedCorp had no opposition to this plan.
“Profit margins are already tight, so when they told me they came up with a new way to increase profits, I was all for it,” said cannabis farmer David Cartinio. “I hate to waste anything, which is why I was feeding the leftover seeds and stems to the happiest pigs you’ve ever seen. But pigs don’t pay what these young lawyer and investment banker types might be willing to pay for this stuff. Speaking of which, I have to slaughter my pigs soon. I wonder if I can convince these yuppies that chitterlings are good…”
These efforts already appear to be paying dividends, as several young urban professionals confirmed that they have started smoking seeds and stems regularly.
“The guy at the dispensary told me I wouldn’t be able to afford their new seeds and stems collection,” said investment banker Steven Hughes. “What do they think I am, some kind of poor person? So, yeah — I bought like, half an ounce for $1000 to show them how wrong they were. Now I only smoke the finest seeds and stems, because I’m high class like that.”
“Seeds are like where it all begins man,” said marketing executive Tanisha Roberts. “I mean, I never really thought about it before, but plants all come from the seeds, so naturally it makes sense that if you go to the source, you’ll get the best high. I mean, I’m on such another level now with this stuff that I almost don’t feel high at all.”
Following the success of the seeds and stems campaign, WeedCorp is exploring pushing a “Cannabis Root Tea” next because “fuck it, why not?”
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stebbenwolfe/
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.