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SILICON VALLEY, Ca. — Self-proclaimed “canna-preneur” and QuikWeed CEO Nick Kesh took the opportunity at a press conference yesterday to credit the infamous Anarchist Cookbook for teaching him the tricks of running a successful, highly profitable cannabis enterprise.

“We’re all about back-to-basics here at QuikWeed,” explained Kesh, a former hedge fund manager who is worth $149 million and against raising taxes. “I want my employees to know they’re working for a regular guy who used to read the Cookbook, run from the cops, all that stuff. That way, they know that they too can utilize those principles to become exploitative bosses themselves someday.”

QuikWeed, which Kesh began as a startup in 2016 and has since grown into one of the most used cannabis-oriented apps in the world, embraces the rebellious spirit of cannabis culture as it was decades ago. 

“Us dudes here are just some ex-stoners who put on their thinking caps,” said board member and Chief Financial Officer Cornish Featherington. “I remember the thrill of stealing a few thousand dollars from my father’s billfold and meeting a kid behind the country club whose parents only made six figures to buy what definitely wasn’t dried parsley. It’s that devil-may-care, rebellious energy against the powers that be which inspires everything we do here in this cosmopolitan skyscraper.”

Thanks to Kesh and his team, the lessons in Anarchist Cookbook, which is no longer in printed circulation, are being passed down to a new generation of entry-level employees.

“I guess it’s pretty alright,” sighed Nathan West, a social media coordinator who makes $14k a year. “We don’t have any healthcare, or even any free weed… but we get to be in an emerging, trendy market, which is kinda cool. I still don’t understand why the owner is so obsessed with that book, though. There’s like, three total pages about weed and the rest is about pipe bombs and stuff.”

To celebrate Quikweed’s upcoming fifth anniversary, hemp-bound copies of Anarchist Cookbook will soon be available on the company’s website for a limited time and at an astronomically high price.

Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

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