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BURLINGTON, Vt. — Budding Adventures Dispensary owner Jade Martinelli unleashed a tirade yesterday bemoaning corporate multi-state operators in the cannabis industry for their part in harming small business owners throughout the market, before quietly adding that her mind could be changed if an MSO was willing to buy her out.
“They’re like the Walmart of cannabis: they show up to thriving, sustainable regional markets and drive all the small, privately owned local businesses out,” Martinelli began, getting so worked up she guzzled a CBD tincture mid-sentence. “They reflect poorly on all of us, and effectively ruin people like me who are trying to contribute positively to the cannabis industry and create long-lasting businesses built around responsible use. They must be completely annihilated.”
“But if any one of them came by today and offered me a check to buy me out and absorb my shop, then sure, do whatever,” she added quietly. “Yeah, capitalism is killing all of us and will ruin our entire community, but I’m also just trying to get by. State taxes on this stuff is bananas.”
Other local shop owners sounded off on Martinelli’s willingness to “sell out” to Big Cannabis, feeling upset and betrayed by one of their most vocal allies.
“She wants to take the payout and just abandon us?!” exclaimed Meghan Feder, owner of the Sweet Treats edibles shop a few blocks from Martinelli’s. “I’m not even mad, I’m just disappointed. Unless, of course, they wanna take us with them, too. I worked all my life to build this business, but the goal is to make my money and hopefully retire, right? And right now I can barely afford to pay my staff a wage, let alone a living one. So, yeah — where do I sign?”
WeedCorp, a multi-state brand with known representatives scouring Vermont for potential locations, claimed through a spokesperson that they were in no way looking to acquire either of the cannabis shops.
“Who? What? No. Never. Why would we buy a local place, when we can just build our own and put them out of business without paying them off?” said WeedCorp spokesman John Largo. “Though I get why they would say that — if I were them, I’d totally hope some big corporation discreetly bought me out. That’s just smart business.”
Indeed, while one poll found most Burlington canna-businesses were secretly hoping to be bought out by WeedCorp, the only one that truly remained steady in their convictions, the Magic Dragon Wellness Emporium, went out of business last week.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.