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LOS ANGELES — Social media influencer Vincent “Vince Red” Redowski has begun growing and selling his own strain of cannabis to his followers, creating his unique strain by substituting traditional LED grow lights with the popular ring lights, a staple for at-home content creators.
“I use ring lights when I film Snaps or Instas or TikToks and they soften imperfections on your face, so it’s just logical that they would also soften the imperfections in my weed,” Redowski said, showing the wilted, brownish buds that he’s selling for $65 per eighth dying beneath the lights. “The ring light melts off the excess chlorophyll, making room for a higher THC content ratio — basically, with my buds, the less green it is, the better it is.”
Redowski’s roommate Jenna Marcus agreed to try the original strain dubbed “Higher Engagement” and confirmed it was “quite bad.”
“It was all dried out and crusty… it kinda disintegrated in my fingers when I handled it. It looked and felt like the bits of beef jerky you find at the bottom of a bag,” she said, visibly nauseated while remembering it. “It smelled rancid and tasted like a used diaper. It didn’t get me high whatsoever, and I was sick for like, a week after trying it.”
While Redowski has tried to distribute the new strain via his high-traffic social media account and inspired countless imitators, he has yet to receive a single order. Experts say that’s for the best.
“Oh, I warn everyone I talk to not to buy his product,” said dispensary operator and accomplished botanist Dr. Garreth Jenning, who not only did his doctoral thesis on cannabis but analyzed a test sample that showed that Higher Engagement’s compound was more akin to dryer lint than cannabis. “Everyone should know that ring lights are for presentation, not growing. I also looked through [Redowski’s] diet and exercise posts. Don’t do those either. Needless to say, they’re equally bad.”
After initial slow sales, Redowski’s pivot to rebranding his cannabis as “medicine against the government mind control lasers” and “cannabis for QAnon users” has reportedly triggered a 5,000% increase in sales.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.