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DENVER — Sierra Labs, one of the world’s most renowned experimental edible cannabis manufacturers, announced a breakthrough creation this week just in time for summer travel as Covid restrictions ease: an edible that won’t feel effective until after you’re through airport security.
“We are so excited to bring this ‘eureka’ moment in cannabis to the public for the first time,” cheered Sierra Labs CEO Rose Budd. “Now that most of us are vaccinated and traveling, we’re rushing right into distribution of ‘Mile High Edibles’ so people can get properly faded on their flights all summer long.”
“I was taking a cross-country flight back in 2016 and took some edibles while on the way to the airport, and those bastards kicked in hard when I was in line with the TSA. And let me tell you: crying and yelling at security because my pants felt too heavy and I couldn’t feel my hair anymore will haunt you if someone catches it on their phone and puts it up on YouTube,” said the edible’s creator Will Migzana. “That’s when I decided this will never happen again, to me or anyone else. If I’m going to freak out on a flight, it’s going to be when I’m actually in the air because I still don’t understand how planes work.”
“Mile High Edibles,” the new line of confections guaranteed to kick in once a consumer feels the satisfaction of putting their shoes back on after the indignity of walking through airport security, will be hitting dispensary shelves next week. Experts, however, already anticipate that consumers may find additional usage for the product.
“These edibles don’t have to be used strictly for air travel: they can help with a delayed high when getting off work, after couple’s therapy, and of course, for getting seated at the movies, now that going to movies is a thing again,” noted industry watchdog Callum von Meers. “Now you won’t end up wandering into the wrong theater and sitting through the entirety of a live-rendition of ‘Mortal Kombat’ unless that’s truly what you want to do.”
Perhaps surprisingly, some TSA officers are receptive to the new line of edibles.
“In a perfect world, they’d sell these at the entrance to the airport,” said Detroit TSA Officer Chad Dorcey. “Believe it or not, I used to be fun before I started feeling up people in search of box-cutters every morning. I get it: cannabis helps people who are nervous flyers. What sucks though is people getting way too damn high and freaking out in line. There are only so many times I can explain to some noob who just ate a whole package of gummies how their own shoes work. Hopefully, these new edibles change that and make everyone’s life a bit easier.”
Sierra Labs is allegedly also researching an edible that makes you want to eat healthier, which is an opposite effect compared to most edibles.
Christopher Charles Jones is a writer and video producer for a variety of international brands and resides in a lovely New England town that is much nicer than where he grew up in Missouri. IG: @Chris_Jones_Creates
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.