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DENVER — The 6th annual CannBEC Cannabis Conference was held last week in stark silence, as the 30,000 people in attendance were allegedly all simply too high to talk to each other.

“I thought I’d smoke before because it’s a weed conference, but then I got that antsy paranoia… like everyone was looking at me and judging me,” said Pete Carton, a legal counsel specializing in helping with compliance for new businesses, still fidgeting at the thought of the experience. “Every time I considered speaking, I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, waiting to see what I said. Then I wouldn’t say anything, and we’d all look around, waiting for someone else to talk first. I guess everyone accidentally brought a really heavy indica for the day, because I don’t think a fully silent conference is what anyone planned.”

The business, education, and compliance conference took place in what attendees all said afterwards was “ominous silence,” as breakout presenters, vendor booth ambassadors, and potential clients and business partners alike all shuffled through the entire experience without making eye contact and largely forgetting what they were going to say right as they went to promote themselves.

“I was supposed to deliver a keynote speech about the future of banking in cannabis, but when I got up there, I just kept looking out at people and sipping my water until it was empty, and then I left the stage,” said Lyle Wharbuski, the CEO of the cannabis banking app Green Stacks. “I realized I wasn’t alone, though, when the next speaker just ate a hard candy and leaned on the lectern, staring off into space for 11 minutes.”

“I’d really hoped to make some connects to distribute my organic one-hitters made from recycled carbon, but I was so high the entire time couldn’t do anything besides drop business cards into fishbowls and grab the free candy and swag at other peoples’ booths,” agreed designer Brittany Fowman. “So, in some ways, it was still a successful conference… just not in the way I planned.”

However, some attendees admitted it wasn’t cannabis consumption that kept them silent.

“Wanna know a secret?” began attendee Lara Sharf. “I wasn’t actually high. It was just so uncomfortable I couldn’t say anything. It was horrifying. Have you ever been the only sober one in a room of 29,999 super high people silently staring at each other? It was a nightmare. Truly the most terrifying escape room of my life.”

Upon leaving for the day, all 30,000 people mutually agreed to meet back up the next day to try again, but they all promptly forgot and the convention never ended up happening.

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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