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YPSILANTI, Mich. — Owners of Ypsilanti’s Green Eagle cannabis dispensary tried to do an early morning Black Friday sale for their customers today, but sadly completely misunderstood who their customer base was and what their shopping and sleeping habits would be like.

“I can’t believe we didn’t have a single customer come through, despite our 42% discount on all products purchased before 9 a.m.,” said Green Eagle owner David Rockford. “It’s almost as if I don’t know these customers at all, even though my background was working as an investment banker surrounded by guys doing tons of cocaine.”

“Let me tell ya, those banker guys would’ve been up and at it if we’d been slinging coke this early in the morning. They almost never sleep,” Rockford added. “Still, given how popular the idea of ‘waking and baking’ is, I would’ve thought that someone would’ve showed up.”

Budtender Erika Allred, like every other Green Eagle employee ordered to come to work for a 5 a.m. opening, wasn’t surprised and tried to tell her boss this whole thing was a bad idea. “Yes, wake-and-bakes are popular… and probably the exact reason everyone slept through the sale,” said an annoyed Allred. “There’s no reason I, or anyone else, had to be here at 4 a.m. to prepare for the ‘customer rush.’ On the plus side, with no customers it meant I could spend all my time at work watching DBZ… which, if anyone else was awake at that time, is probably what they were doing as well.”

Regular customers mostly agreed with Allred, but also noted their opposition to Black Friday in general as part of the reason why they didn’t partake in the deals. “Smoking weed is all about being chill, and Black Friday is the exact opposite of chill,” said longtime cannabis user Samuel Frebault. “All the pushing and shoving and greed? Where’s the heart? I think they all need to smoke some weed and reflect on the true meaning of Black Friday. Which is… wait, it’s greed, isn’t it? OK, maybe they have the right idea.”

“I think it’s shitty to make your employees work the day after Thanksgiving,” added Green Eagle customer Veronica Gutierrez. “Let them have the day off to rest. I mean, if they’re anything like me, they probably ate half a turkey on Thanksgiving. Between the weed and the food coma I’ve slept for almost 19 hours.”

Despite the failure of the Black Friday sale, Rockford is going to try his luck again next week with a Cyber Monday discount. “I’m sure we will make up for any lost revenue on Monday through online sales,” Rockford said,” assuming it’s not illegal to send cannabis through the mail.”

Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram:

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

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