IOWA CITY, Iowa — The Bong Show Smoke Shop finally sold one of the most infamous pieces of its inventory yesterday: a massive replica of the famous orange cartoon cat Garfield that doubles as a fully functioning, 2-foot long water pipe.

“I became obsessed, seeing this thing week after week, not knowing if the price point would be worth strangers finding out that I enjoy Garfield enough to smoke out of him,” said the smoker who asked to only be identified as “Brian,” pulling a fedora down over his eyes and popping the collar on his trenchcoat to further conceal his identity. “The cashier was kind enough to respond quietly: they said the words, ‘two grand’ in as much of a whisper as possible, and thankfully, only a couple people looked over in horror. That meant the world to me.” 

Brian was quick to rush the 75 lb. novelty bong to his car in the parking lot, rolling down his window to implore, “My life is fucking over if my friends find out. Seriously, don’t print my real name,” as he peeled away to use the bong and presumably go to town on a plate of lasagna.

Michael Tannenbaum is a writer and actor. You can find him on Twitter: @iamTannenbaum