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EUGENE, Ore. — As the United States and the rest of the world gets reacquainted with the eco-friendly versatility of hemp, it’s strong, durable fibers are showing up in consumer products throughout the typical household, from toothbrushes to bath towels, pajamas to dog collars.

But while the industry at large, and indeed almost all of the buying public, understands that hemp is not in the least bit psychoactive, one hemp clothing entrepreneur is insisting that all hemp wares come with an additional warning beyond the typical wash & care instructions: “Do not, under any circumstances, smoke your khakis, shirts, or any of our products to get high.”

“We started outfitting the hourly workforce in large chain stores. It was an obvious choice — khakis are a uniform staple at places like Target or Staples,” Pursuit of Hempiness CEO Barney Sharpe said, gesturing as if he’d just blown his own mind. “But it turns out we have to tell Trent from the mailroom that these beige beauties are meant for your backside, not your bong pipe!”

Unsurprisingly, nobody needed to tell Trent — or anyone else, for that matter — not to misuse their sepia-toned slacks, especially since studies show that fully 100% of hourly wage employees worldwide know where to acquire decent cannabis. Marketing analyst and cannabis trend enthusiast Tess Faraday has been following what she initially described as a “nonsense crusade” since the hashtag #dontsmokeyourkhakis began trending on Twitter. 

“Listen, absolutely no one is buying hemp clothing with the intention of getting faded. They just hope the dye on the fabric doesn’t fade,” Faraday chuckled. “I mean, this is preposterous. Is this guy doing a bit to sell more of his khakis? 

Indeed, it is unclear why Mr. Sharpe is so concerned that consumers will abuse his products. His worry runs so deep that, in lieu of using a stain-resistant technology like other khaki brands, Pursuit of Hempiness’s camel-toned bum huggers are actually flame retardant, rendering it impossible to set them ablaze. The continued reminders not to smoke the khakis, however, persist. 

“I’d be a Liar Liar if I told you it was okay to light these pants on fire and smoke them,” Sharpe insisted. “And I can honestly say that with this anti-flame tech, toking up on these trousers isn’t even an option.” 

That hasn’t stopped a backlash campaign against Pursuit of Hempiness, with the Reagan-era inspired catchphrase #khakiswhack trending from parents worried by the warnings. “Why would they even say it if it wasn’t remotely possible?” said concerned parent Haley Rikowski. “Of all the things I don’t want to catch my teenage son doing, freebasing his khakis after a shift at PetCo tops the list.”

Authorities suggest that if one ever does see a person trying to smoke their clothing to get high to treat them as kindly as possible and minimize laughter at all costs.

Ashley Ruark is a stand-up comedian, musician, and writer from Rehoboth Beach, Delaware.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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