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BELLEVUE, Wash. — Soon-to-be cannabis kingpin Michael Garrison announced today his upcoming reign as a titan of the market, set to begin immediately as soon as he figures out how to grow cannabis, find a customer base, build a distribution network, and refine his business model.
“With vertical integration and end-to-end operations, I’ll be able to cover the full spectrum of transactions, from farm to shipping to customer,” said Garrison. “It’s so easy, I can’t believe anyone else hasn’t done it yet. Once it’s all set up, it’ll be a piece of cake.”
The planned grow operation is a massive, 100-acre field to be called “Garrison Farm,” where he’ll produce enough cannabis for the entire western hemisphere once he locates and purchases the land, plants the cannabis, and learns how to cultivate it properly. “Yeah, he sent me an email about the price-per-acre for my farmland,” landowner Robert Sorenson noted. “I promptly responded with what I thought was a fair rate, and then he responded ‘Nice!’ and I never heard from him again.”
Garrison insists his secret will be growing only the highest quality product on the land. To this end, he plans to have agricultural experts scour the field and filter out any product not of the highest quality once he actually finds and hires said experts. Initial interviews have already begun. “We texted back and forth about my qualifications and experience,” leading botanist Marie Chan said, “and then he asked what strain would pair well with Taco Bell, and I never heard from him again.”
From there, the theoretical product would then make its way into the dispensary, to be called “Garrison Dispensary,” where it will allegedly “be packaged as is, pre-rolled, in liquid form, and as edibles” in a six-level mega-store, each floor dedicated to a different delivery category of product.
“All we gotta do is sign the lease,” Garrison said proudly outside of the abandoned warehouse he assumed would host his dispensary, “and then, it’s just signing the lease, hiring a staff, learning how to create the various products from the raw materials, actually manufacturing said product, some community outreach to build a customer-base, building infrastructure to account for various distributor laws, and finding the money to fund the entire project. I’ll be unstoppable by the end of the month.”
“Sure, I met him,” said landlord Bill Marcus. “He described what he was looking for, I said it didn’t exist, and then he asked if it was possible to move all my buildings and stack them on top of each other to make a ‘mega building.’ Then he offered me $12 to buy all my properties and ghosted me.”
Despite the setbacks, Garrison is completely undeterred. “There’s still a lot left to do,” he admitted, “but I already named my signature strains, ‘Dro Biden’ and ‘Burnie Sanders.’ So, the hardest part of the whole thing is all set at least.”
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.