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SACRAMENTO, Calif. — The cannabis mega-conglomerate WeedCorp announced today that they are “dedicated to maintaining the highest standards of excellence in environmentalism, as soon as it becomes a profitable measure to implement.”
“We love our environment and our Earth, and want to transition to sustainable production as soon as possible,” said WeedCorp CEO Chad Bogart III. “And as soon as that strategy begins to benefit our bottom line, we will spring into action. ‘The time to stop destroying this planet is now…’ is something I will say once it becomes a financially secure business model.”
WeedCorp is not alone. Contractor and entrepreneur Sam Stack has created Carbon Neutral Cannabis, a business predicated on building eco-friendly grow operations, and also looks forward to it becoming profitable.
“CNC streamlines the process,” Stack said, “enabling distributors and growers to offset their carbon footprints through a simple blockchain mechanism. If WeedCorp hires us, we can remodel their entire process to save the planet. But until they can afford it, I guess we just continue using paper straws or whatever and hope for the best, right?”
EPA representative Mark Hutton is tasked with helping the greater cannabis industry go “green” as soon as possible, but also recognizes a difficult transition. “We all want the same thing, but realistically someones gotta pay for it, so I get it,” Hutton said. “Sure, my research shows the Earth will turn into a barren wasteland and the lack of ozone will scorch and suffocate us in mere decades if we don’t intervene immediately, but also, money. So, I can definitely see both sides.”
Though sustainability measures have been delayed due to cost-benefit analysis, WeedCorp did unveil their latest robust ad campaign today as part of their announcement. “That’s gonna actually make us money,” Bogart said, “so we’re more than happy to just throw all the cash at it.”
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
