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LOS ANGELES — The cannabis dispensary L.A. Green is unexpectedly closed today, after the staff made the fatal mistake of closing shop to privately celebrate the traditional cannabis holiday of April 20th.
“Today is the holiest of the holiest. For me and my staff, this is our Yom Kippur,” said L.A. Green owner Sam Marshal, leafing through financial records that show a total of zero sales so far today. “So naturally, I gave everyone the day off, locked the doors after yesterday’s shifts, and went home. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but looking at the crowds outside on the security cam, now I’m thinking I may have miscalculated. Big oops!”
Indeed, customers from all over the city and country who would normally flock to L.A. Green for their high-quality product, friendly staff, and ambiance found themselves milling around outside the locked doors. Some lined up around the sides of the building awaiting the dispensary’s opening for the day, only to realize they’d wasted part of their holiday.
“They make these weed Peeps around Easter that you can’t get anywhere else, and I was gonna get a whole bunch of those to celebrate 4/20. So I drove in from Salt Lake City yesterday,” said fiercely loyal patron Jenna Chan. “I considered calling to make sure they were open when I crossed the Nevada border, but I figured, ‘What dispensary would ever close on 4/20?’ Right?! Big oops!”
Melvin Stanton, owner of the competing dispensary High Society, has so far spent the morning taking all of L.A. Green’s potential business.
“I tried to call Sam to let him know he messed up big. There have been hoards of people all day, and I was like, ‘Oh, this is just too mean. I can’t let him miss out on this!’ Stanton said. “He didn’t pick up, though — I think he does like, a no phone/no electricity type fasting deal for 4/20. Big oops, but also, big gains over here.”
Marshal plans to remember this incident for next 4/20, writing himself a sticky note on his day planner that reads “Do NOT close on 4/20” to avoid missing out on holiday sales for a 5th year in a row.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.