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BOSTON — WeedCorp, one of the nation’s largest cannabis producers, unveiled a new promotional campaign last week that cuts to the heart of their offerings by letting consumers know that every bit of flower they cultivate is grown with love and pesticides.
“Cannabis cultivation is deep within my blood,” boasted WeedCorp CEO Chad Bogart III. “Just because my family’s cannabis operation is now a multinational corporation doesn’t change the fact that every single one of our plants is grown with love, just like when my pops was in charge. Every single pre-rolled joint is stuffed with carefully trimmed, high-grade flower, grown right here in our family-owned facility in Southie. And just because we spray a little cocktail of Monsanto pesticides on them doesn’t change the love involved, either.”
WeedCorp may be the leading cannabis grower in New England, but local chains aren’t pleased with their business practices and use of pesticides.
“It’s just complete bullshit, man,” said Cambridge grower Fred Murphy. “I don’t care how much ‘love’ they put in the joints if that shit is harmful to inhale. I really hope the public understands what they are putting in their body and see past Bogart’s shenanigans… but they keep undercutting our prices and offering bigger, more potent buds, and nobody seems to care that their flower is loaded with more juice than Jose Canseco in a Sunny Delight commercial in 1991.”
“Fred’s just mad because he’s adopted, so none of his joints can be made with love the Bogart family way,” remarked Bogart when asked for a response to Murphy’s accusations. “If he could grow a respectable amount of plants or knew his real Dad, that clown would be spraying pesticides in no time.”
Despite their unseemly reputation, many customers remain loyal to WeedCorp, and were quick to defend the Southie cannabis grower.
“WeedCorp bud gives me just the relaxation I need after a long day working down on the docks,” explained 45-year-old Geoff O’Sullivan of the last working wharf in Charlestown. “I mean, sure — the pesticides definitely give me a wicked cough and sweaty chills every now and then, but they hook me up with a quarter for only $50, so I can’t complain.”
In related news, WeedCorp was served with a lawsuit yesterday for offering moldy cannabis to customers under the guise of having “wet, musty terpenes.”
Christopher Jones is a writer and video producer for a variety of international brands and resides in a lovely New England town that is much nicer than where he grew up in Missouri. IG: @Chris_Jones_Creates
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.