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SEATTLE — Amazon called on the U.S. government last week to finally legalize cannabis, urging Congress that the “time has come” to catch up with the growing number of states that have decriminalized its use so that Amazon can monopolize yet another industry.

“National cannabis legalization is long overdue. We see an incredibly lucrative market we just can’t fully dip into without federal backing, and no one is better positioned to monopolize it and overtake every other business already existing in this sphere than us,” said Amazon spokesperson Beth Galetti while retrieving her personal Amazon Basics grinder and pipe set that had just been delivered by an Amazon drone. “And as an added bonus, once it’s legal, former workers fired or applicants rejected due to cannabis screenings will be eligible for employment if we can get this through, so it’ll be a win/win for all of us.”

CEO of Amazon Jeff Bezos added to Galetti’s statement, expressing excitement over the possibility of becoming a cannabis retailer.

“Imagine being able to order your weed at our online megastore,” he began. “You could have an auto-subscription that calculates how long it’ll take you to go through the product, and our fleet of drones will deliver your next batch right to your door just as soon as your stash is cashed. The next step would be to give our ‘dealer drones’ distinct personalities, in case any of our consumers want the drones to hang out and smoke to add that part of the experience.”

Bezos later added, “Can you believe I went from book store owner to possible trillionaire weed dealer? I’m like Walter White from ‘Breaking Bad’ if he went into space!”

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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