Bigfoot Caught After Breaking Into a Dispensary and Eating All the Edibles

The question of whether or not Bigfoot exists may finally have a definitive answer. 

Yesterday, employees at The Green Puddle cannabis dispensary in Salem, Oregon, arrived at work to discover an enormous ape-like creature sleeping on the floor. One employee told Oregano that the creature was surrounded by empty wrappers from infused edible products it had taken from a refrigerator in the back. “Cookies, brownies, gummies, the works. The big dude probably gobbled down about a thousand miligrams of THC. He was sleeping like a baby when we got there,” the employee said. 

Sheriff Gina Morgan was the first law enforcement officer to arrive at the scene, and she described what she encountered as “a life-changing experience.”

“When you get the Bigfoot call from a dispensary, you’re expecting one of two things,” Sheriff Morgan said. “It’s either a prank call, or some guy walked in wearing a gorilla suit.”

“You don’t expect to walk in and find a mythical being passed out on the floor.” 

According to Sheriff Morgan, she called in the Animal Rescue team and experts were able to confirm that although it was heavily sedated, the creature was healthy and would fully recover in 24 hrs.

Park rangers took hair samples for DNA analysis before returning the sleeping creature to an undisclosed location in the nearby woods, where they left it with a blanket, some water, and a variety of munchies.

After images of the creature were shared online with the caption “OMFG Stoned Bigfoot,” some well-educated commenters pointed out that the creature was actually a Skunk Ape, not Bigfoot.

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Yes, this article is a joke. You know what’s not a joke?

  • 44,000 Americans are still in prison for nonviolent cannabis offenses.
  • Many of them are elderly or have underlying conditions that make them especially vulnerable to Covid-19.
  • Experts warn that our overcrowded prisons will accelerate the spread of the virus.
  • Some jurisdictions are already releasing people, but more action is needed and time is running out.

If the government does not step in to reduce the prison populations immediately, the virus will spread and people will die.

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